2011

I'm not timid in admiting that 2010 has been one of the worst years of my life.

This year, my heart was broken worse than I ever thought possible by the man I'd loved since I was sixteen. It hurt in ways I didn't know it could. This summer I felt like I lost my mind, my self-worth, and any idea I had about who I was and where I was going. In the fall I had to make the choice to shut my mother out of my life, for my own mental and emotional well-being. I lost my grandpa just before his 92nd birthday. He was the last grandparent I had. And just before Christmas, my friend's six-year-old son was murdered by his father, who then killed himself, leaving her devastated and alone, and leaving me wondering how so many bad things can happen in such a short amount of time.

I sat with my parents and my sister in the living room just before midnight on Christmas Eve, wondering aloud if my mother would kill herself because she felt abandoned and alone, and wondering if a sherrif's officer would knock on the front door on Christmas Day to give me the news. I mused that after living through my friend Nick's suicide a few years ago and now dealing with the murder suicide of my friend's son and husband, I'd come to realize that horrible things happen every day. And they can happen to you. And it's naive to sit there and say, "That could never be me," because it very easily could be. Some might think it morbid to contemplate such things, but I find it's better to be prepared. You should always take every situation seriously. You should never consider anything impossible or unfathomable. It's a trap. People get divorced, get cancer, hurt you, die, murder, steal, fail. Bad things happen to good people. I'm not saying you should live in fear of these things, but I feel like the more you come to terms with the fact that they are very real parts of living in this world, the more prepared you will be if you experience something tragic or horrible.

A while back I saw this lady on a weight-loss show telling about how she'd become overweight. She was a fairly attractive, relatively young, blonde-haired lady. She wasn't obese, but she was definitely over-weight. The most striking thing about her though was how bright and up-beat she was. Her extremely positive attitute was even more surprising after she shared her story. She told about how she'd had a husband, a young son, and a new-born baby. They had a great life, big plans, and their whole future ahead of them. Then she told about how all three of them were killed in an auto-accident by a drunk driver. All of them. Killed instantly. Her whole life was gone in a matter of moments. She sat there nearly sobbing, talking about how it felt to have her whole life torn from her, all her plans obliterated, and how alone she'd felt. She talked about her faith, and how she focused on just getting through each day. She talked about building a new future, because that's what her husband and children would want. She was an amazing person.

I thought about that lady the other night, and then I thought about my friend. I thought about how one day she had a husband, a child, and a family, and the next day she had nothing. I can't imagine how that would feel. But it happens all the time. People lose people all the time. People experience tragedy all the time.

And that's why I plan on having my best year yet in 2011. Not out of fear that it could all be over tomorrow, but more out of a desire to live life to the fullest while I have breath in my lungs, no matter what happens. Even if what happens is tragic and horrible. Athough I'm hoping there will be less tragic and horrible and more amazing and wonderful in 2011.

My Grandpa Art always said that how long you live and the quality of life you have is all about attitude. And considering he was almost 92 when he died (with perfect hearing, perfect eyesight, and a valid driver's license) he maybe knew what he was talking about. And Grandpa always had a plan. He had a plan for each day. And even after he lost his wife of 67 years, he was still able to keep going.

When I told my step-mom about the lady on the weight-loss show, she said it reminded her of Grandpa Art. "He felt the same way when he lost mom. He felt like he'd lost his whole life. His reason for living. His other half. But he found a way to keep going, and by doing that, he kept us going too."

So I'm going to keep going. I'm going to wake up each morning with a plan, and I'm going to accomplish some of the goals I've set for myself that I have yet to accomplish. Maybe I'll find my dream job, my dream husband, or my dream home. Maybe I'll tae that dream vacation I've always wanted to go on. I have have to start somewhere. What better time to start than January 1?