Knock, knock

As I stood in the street outside my dad's house over ten years ago, I was so nervous I wanted to puke. I hadn't seen him since I was in third grade. I was then a freshman in college. It took me twenty minutes of pacing back and forth in front of his house that night to get up the nerve to ring the doorbell. 

As I sat parked in my mother's driveway last Saturday night, I felt nothing but indifference. I might as well have been pulling up to Walgreens to buy mascara. I hadn't seen her in over two years. I parked in the driveway, grabbed my bags, and walked resolutely up to the door. 

She welcomed me in and hugged me. She said she was glad to see me and that she loved me very much. As I put my arms around her to hug her, I felt like I was hugging a mannequin or a robot. It seemed empty.

The conversation was awkward and sputtering. For a person that usually has a lot to say, nothing compelling came to my mind. I met mom's fiancée, Kyle, who lives with her now. We sat in the basement for several painful minutes watching Kyle's two cats play with fake mice and eat cat treats. Two cats? Mom hates cats. She showed me her engagement ring, and I told her it was very nice. Kyle went to bed soon after I got there so mom and I could "catch-up". 

Usually when you "catch-up," both parties inquire of each other about the goings on in their lives and each person shares in turn. Mom just kept talking about how great her life is and how great Kyle is and how in love she is. She asked me if I was happy that she is so happy. I told her I was, of course. She continued on about her great life, never asking my about my life and whether or not it's great, so I just listened. Then she talked about how she wants us to have a relationship again, and she launched into what seemed like a political commercial, listing all the reasons I should trust her again. I felt like she was asking for my vote. It all seemed so fake. 

I sat there on my kitchen stool and wondered who this person was in front of me. And as she spoke, re-writing history with every word, I was reminded again of how different her past is from the one I remember living through. I was too tired to be angry or indignant, so I just sighed quietly and told her that we just can't talk about some things, and I was glad to give our relationship a go again as long as it didn't turn into what it was before. Because I'm tired of being hurt, and if she tries to hurt me again, she'll lose me forever. 

Driving home the next day, I tried to think through what had happened and how I felt. It's an odd thing to have no feelings at all for a parent. I told God that if this relationship was to blossom again, he'd have to really till the soil of my heart so that new life in our relationship could grow. But even if he tilled the soil, I have no desire to do any planting, weeding, fertilizing, or tending. So what's the point? What is the point of maintaining this relationship?

And that's the question I'm still looking for answers to. I know what I should do, and I know what I want to do. I can't seem to reconcile the two. 

Moments

For most of my time on this planet, life has been a series of ups and downs; extreme highs and extreme lows, with only a few times spent somewhere in between. Over the past couple of years, there have been a handful of times where something within me made me stop to survey my life and say to myself, "Life is really amazing. I'm so happy. I'm so blessed." And they aren't necessarily the moments you'd think they'd be. I had another moment like that last night.

I was driving home from church after a Superbowl party my friends and I had thrown together. The turn-out was pretty good, and I got to spend the evening stuffing my face and watching my favorite sport with my favorite people. Everybody pitched in to make it happen, and it was pretty flawless in execution. At one point Ben, who cooked all the hotdogs for us, said to me, "Hey, thanks for putting all this together. It was a lot of fun," and those sitting around the table concurred. I thanked him but pointed out that it was a team effort, because it absolutely was, and I thanked all of them for helping out. Later, my friends Cara and Suzanne stayed long past when they were obligated to, to help me clean up the kitchen. My friend Bill closed up the building and took out the trash when he could have left much earlier. My buddy Fred texted after he left to let me know he'd come the next day to vacuum and put a spit polish on the place. I smiled and hummed softly to myself as I left the church. "I have great friends," I thought. As I turned into my apartment complex a few minutes later, I realized what struck me most about the evening was the sense of doing it all together and being a part of something that meant something to someone. Something as trivial as a Fantasy Football league really turned into something bigger and deepened our relationships with each other. You see, the older I get, the more I feel like what I'm doing in life isn't important. And God always reminds me that it's most often the littlest of things that make life rich. Things like Super Bowl parties with really amazing people.

Life is about community. If you aren't living in a good community, life doesn't have much meaning. I realized that at each of those moments in time, where I was stopped in my tracks by how amazing life was and is, it was at moments when I felt loved, supported, accepted, significant, and surrounded. Surrounded by people who made me a better person. People who I felt really liked me. Most of these moments were at times when I felt very close to my family, my friends, and God. And the times I felt the lowest in life were times when I felt the most alone. I know that isn't a coincidence. Life is easier and richer when you do it with other people.

When I get caught in one of those good moments, I try to hold onto it as long as I can, and I memorize every piece of it; every ray of sunshine, every laugh, every song, every joke, every hug, every tear. Because when the present becomes the past, all we have is the memory. And if we spend too much time waiting on the future to get here, we'll miss how amazing the present is. I sometimes wonder if I am the only person who has to consciously tell themselves, "Hey, you are having a great time. Focus. This is a great moment. Soak it up. Be present." I struggle to stop looking forward to the great things I have planned for the future and focus on the great things I am doing right now. These moments are what life is about. And I think that if you are doing life right, you'll remember so many great moments that they will just blend together into one amazing life.