Why can't I be shallow and selfish and not care?

For some reason, as I was lying in bed tonight praying for whoever crossed my mind, I began to think of my family. And I started to cry. I was thinking about how I needed to have a talk with my step-mom and get everything out in the open. Tell her I think she’s always resented my relationship with my dad. Tell her I feel like she’s jealous of me. Half the time I feel like she loves me and the other half I feel like she can’t stand me. Then I thought I’d tell them I’m tired of trying to be good enough for them. I feel like they’re judging me all the time. I’d tell my dad he’s an alcoholic and he needs to admit it. What’s the worst that can happen? Then I started thinking about my uncle and how he and one of my aunts don’t speak. And come to think of it, neither of my aunts speak to each other. I thought that maybe if I went to visit my aunt that doesn’t speak to anyone and talk to her about things, I could somehow bring them all together. Then I thought about my mom. Who is not speaking to my sister and vice versa. I’m not speaking to my mom either. Mostly because I can’t communicate with her at all. Maybe I never have. She never really listens. I thought maybe I could drive down to see my mom and try to talk it out one last time. Tell her that her other daughter is going off to war and may never come back. Is that how she really wants to leave things? At least if it turns out bad with my mom, I can visit my uncle. I like my uncle. I like both of my uncles. I like most of my family really, they just don’t like each other.

How can one person really conquer all these things? They can’t. But I feel the weight of it all on my shoulders. Like I have to fix it all. Because no one else will.

I don’t want things to turn out like they did with my grandmother. She and my mom never talked about anything. They just resented each other and complained about each other. When my grandma finally died, I was the only one who was there with her. I felt like I was the only one that cared. Because my mom never dealt with her feelings towards my grandmother, her grief was more drawn out and amplified. It was awful. I can’t let my family end up like that.

I had a vision of my sister coming home from Afghanistan with a flag draped over her coffin. How would mom feel then? Would she regret the way she’d behaved? The way she’d dealt with things? I know she would. I don’t know if she’d even come to the funeral.

I’m sure my sister will be fine. I don’t know about my mom. Or the rest of my family.

Or me. I really wish I could stop thinking and go to sleep.