When do you tell the truth? A tricky question . . .

Scene: Middle School, 1997

7th grade me and my friend standing at our lockers.

Random 7th grade friend: So did you see Pam’s hair?

7th grade me: Yeah. I did. It looks terrible. It looks like she stuck her head in a bucket of bleach and then stuck her finger in a light socket.

Random 7th grade friend (looking nervously behind me): Oh, well, I think it looks okay.

7th grade me: What? Are you kidding? It looks like crap. I bet all her hair falls out.

Random 7th grade friend (looking even more nervously behind me): Um . . .

7th grade me (slowly turning around to find Pam standing behind me): *10 seconds of awkward silence* Uh, hi, Pam. Your hair looks great!

Pam storms off and never speaks to me again.

We’ve all been there. Well, maybe not, but we’ve all had friends or family members get terrible hair-cuts, perms, or dye jobs. I'm talking bad highlights, hair sticking up in different directions, bald spots.

You see, I always notice hair cuts. Always. And if one of my friends gets a really bad hair-cut, I say nothing. I would rather say nothing than lie to them and tell them their hair looks good when it doesn't. What if they take all these people telling them their hair looks good seriously? Then they continue to cut their hair the same way for the next 20 years? Do you really want to be responsible for that?

I was telling this to my friend Chris the other day and he asked me what I would do if my friend asked me directly what I thought of their bad hair-cut:

"I'd tell them the truth."

"You would tell them to their face that their hair looked like crap?"

"Well, I'm not going to say it like that. I'd put it a little nicer."

"Yeah, then they never speak to you again."

"Look, if you ask me what I think, I'm going to tell you. If you're not prepared for someone to tell you the truth, then don't ask."

"Fair enough."

This leads into my next question: It’s one thing to offer an unsolicited comment or opinion on a Facebook photo or someone’s latest hair-cut, but what do you say when a friend directly asks you for your opinion on something, or someone, in which your most truthful answer will not be a positive answer. What if the stakes are higher? Are there situations in which telling someone the truth will cause more harm than good?

How about the following scenarios:

Scenario #1: Your best friend’s significant other frequently says sexually suggestive things to you and flirts with you and your other friends when your friend is not around or not paying attention. Your friend is having doubts about their significant other’s fidelity, and they ask you if you think their significant other would ever cheat on them.

What do you say? Truth or lie? Half-truth? Evasive maneuvers?

Now imagine it’s their fiancée.

What do you say?

They’re getting married in a week.

What do you say now?

They’ve been married for three years and are already having problems.

Now what?

What if they’re not your best friend, but just an acquaintance? What if it’s not your friend but someone you can’t stand?

It’s not quite as simple, is it?

Scenario #2: Your significant other wants to pursue a career as a writer. You’ve read their stuff, and it’s nothing special. Maybe you’ve read more interesting stuff written on the side of a bathroom stall. They’ve already invested a lot of time and money (maybe even a college degree) into this career. They think they might be the next Hemingway or Maya Angelou. They ask you if you think they have what it takes to be successful. Is their writing good enough?

What do you say? Truth or lie? Half-truth? Evasive maneuvers?

Now imagine they’ve been rejected for the 20th time by a publisher and they are devastated.

Still the truth? Better to lie?

You’re married and they want to spend a large chunk of your savings flying around the country talking to different publishers.

Truth now?

It’s not your significant other, it’s your sibling.

Now?

It’s your son or daughter.

What do you say?

Getting more difficult isn’t it?

Scenario #3: Your aunt is dying of cancer. It’s revealed that her husband, your uncle, is having an affair with one of her close friends. Your aunt doesn’t know. She is very weak and probably only has days to live. Do you tell her the truth? Or do you pretend everything is fine?

The affair has been going on for years, even before she was sick.

Do you tell her now?

He’s fathered two children with his mistress.

Do you tell her now?

Your aunt is a millionaire and upon her passing, all her assets will pass to your uncle and his mistress. This includes all family heirlooms and properties in her possession.

How about now? You want her to die thinking he’s a great guy and devoted husband?

This last scenario actually happened in the family of a friend of mine. My friend's uncle cheated on her aunt with my friend's mother. They were sisters, and the aunt was in the hospital dying of cancer. My friend's cheating uncle was also her dad's best friend. They told the aunt the truth before she died. I don’t know how you make decisions like that.

You could think up a million scenarios, with a million different variables. I guess the question comes down to what kind of person you are. Would you rather hear the truth, even if it hurts? Or would you rather not know or be lied to, sparing your pride and your feelings.

There also has to be a distinction made between your opinion of someone or something, versus volunteering or withholding information from someone. The seriousness of trying to decide whether or not to tell someone their singing makes your ears bleed versus trying to decide whether or not to tell your friend their significant other made a pass at you is quite different. The consequences of telling the truth in these situations, or not telling the truth, are quite different.