It was 2:00 AM. The house was cold. My parents had left the windows open and it was a crisp 60 degrees in the house. I put on some long sleeves, a sweatshirt, fleece pants, and socks and trekked downstairs to make some decaf. As I sat in the dark of my parents’ living room wrapped in a heavy blanket, holding a steaming cup of coffee and listening to the worship music flowing from my IPOD, I asked myself this question: How do I really feel about this? The answer as you can imagine (or maybe not given the lack of detail you have at this point) was a little more difficult to articulate. I’d gotten off the phone with my old roommate Jamie a few hours ago and after watching a few episodes of Gilmore Girls I’d decided that what she told me during our phone call, or more importantly how I felt about what she’d told me during our phone call, needed a bit more analysis. She’d originally called me a few days ago, but I had missed the call. Since we don’t talk very often I figured she had something specific to tell me. She’d told me, the last time we’d talked, about a boy she’d met while she was home over the summer. I’d guessed she was calling to tell me they were together now. As disdained as I was to hear about yet another one of my friends getting into a relationship amidst my singleness, I’d planed on feigning excitement when she told me. We spoke for quite a while before she mentioned a lot of drama going on in her life. Drama? Oh yes, lots of drama. I find it necessary at this point to explain the smallest amount of background possible so that you can follow along.
Jamie, Jake, Mike and I were all friends at one time. During that time, Jamie and Jake dated and broke up twice. Mike and I never actually dated but often pretended to (as long as no one else was around or paying close attention). Throw in the fact that Jamie had a thing for Mike and eventually told Jake about it, resulting in Jake and Mike hating each other, and add in my pining away for Mike despite obvious evidence to the contrary that he wasn’t pinning over me, and you pretty much have the Midwestern version of “The Hills”, or something close too it. I don’t want to make it sound trivial because it was actually very painful for all of us (expect for Mike because I’m convinced he doesn’t have any real feelings at all). Imagine the most painful, heart wrenching relationship you’ve been in and multiply it by five and that was what it was like, for me anyway. I’m sure each one of us could write a very long book about the whole ordeal.
So let’s get back to my phone call with Jamie. It turns out she isn’t in a relationship with Summer Vacation Boy but with Mike. “Well,” she says, “Nothing is official yet.” Oh . . . well then. It’s not official. Some part of me suspected that something like this would eventually happen. Last year, around Christmas time, Jake tried to convince me that there was something funny going on between Jamie and Mike. I told him (and honestly too) that I didn’t really care and he shouldn’t either. I just figured it was all being blown out of proportion (as Jake blows most things out of proportion). Next summer Mike visits Jamie in Boston where she's attening graduate school. I figured it was just a friendly visit since he was supposed to be there for some conference anyway. Jake again tried to convince me something was up. I told him again that I didn’t really care and he shouldn’t either. Apparently it was a bit more than a friendly visit. Turns out Jake and his "Jamie and Mike" conspiracy theories were right. Jamie, Mike and Jamie’s parents had all been talking about it and praying about it. They’re being cautious. She tells me that she has talked to Jake about it. I can’t imagine what those conversations were like. I also tell her that I don’t see how Mike and Jake are still living together and haven’t killed each other. I politely ask her to leave me out of the drama.
It’s at this point that she asks me how I feel about it all. Huh. How do I feel about all that? Well, I tell her, Mike did and said a lot of crappy things to me. He hurt me more than she’ll ever know. He’s selfish and self-centered, and there’s not much that I’ve seen in him since then that would convince me he’s all that different. I of course never see him anymore, nor talk to him. In fact the last time I saw him was several months ago when I ran into him at a coffee shop. We made awkward small talk. I finally tell her it really doesn’t bother me (because it really doesn’t) if they date or not. I tell her that if they get married I’ll be in their wedding and make a rather awkward toast at the reception. She’s so relieved. She also promises that the bridesmaids dresses will not be hideous. Gee, something to look forward to.
So there I sat in the dark on that couch in my parent’s living room at 2:00 AM. I thought about the whole debacle for quite a while and I finally figured out what bothered me about it. Why him? Why did she have to pick him? It wasn’t so much him but the fact that he represented a very painful time in my life. There are certain relationships in life that will always be a part of you, and his and mine was one of them. I changed a lot because of that time in my life. I changed a lot for the better, thank God. I learned a lot about myself and about God. I was broken and repaired. She was there for all of it too. She was there to hold me when I wept. She was there to pray with me when I was devastated. She stayed up with me late at night talking it through. We lived it together. If I were her in the same situation I would consider him off limits. Completely one-hundred percent off limits. A guy and a relationship that caused my friend so much pain and heart break? I would put my friend’s feelings and our friendship before this guy.
There is no way anyone can convince me that God is okay with them being together. There is no way you can convince me that God would want Mike and Jamie to completely disregard Jake’s and my feelings and our respective friendships to pursue a relationship. It reminds me of an Alpha Course video when Nicky Gumbel is talking about common sense as a means by which God guides us. A man sees a great looking woman and thinks to himself “I think God wants me to leave my wife and go after that woman.” It doesn’t take much common sense to know that is not what God wants. That's not in line with God's character. There is no reason that Mike and Jamie can’t find someone else with whom they can get married and be truly happy.
In the end, all that happened was that I cried a few tears over it and decided that my friendship with Jamie had been a bit devalued. I felt she valued her own wants and desires more than our friendship and my feelings. As Pastor Paul put it once in church, "Trust is hard to build and easy to break."
Epiphany had, I dried my tears, shut off my IPOD, and trekked back upstairs to bed. There's nothing like a good sit in the dark to straighten out your thoughts.
No comments:
Post a Comment